Author Topic: Haynes manuals  (Read 462 times)

Offline taysidedragon

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Haynes manuals
« on: March 28, 2020, 10:32:54 AM »
Stolen off Facebook. 😊

For those of you twiddling spanners this weekend, here's some handy-dandy Haynes manual translations that might come in use...

Haynes: This is a snug fit
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: This is a tight fit
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise

Haynes: As described in Chapter 4...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you're going to be looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox!

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (you know, the giant trade size)

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG! "Jesus! Where the hell did that go?!"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit done away with, now fetch the pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two)

Haynes: Lightly
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: Weekly checks
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it

Haynes: Routine maintenance
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you!

Haynes: One spanner rating
Translation: An infant could do this - so how did you manage to f**k it up?!

Haynes: Two spanner rating
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number - but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you)

Haynes: Three spanner rating
Translation: Make sure you won't need your motorbike for a couple of days

Haynes: Four spanner rating
Translation: You're not seriously considering this, are you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in/on it again

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at it really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife/husband/partner "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much
harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal
Translation: Yeah, right! It just means that you swear in different places

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs
Translation: Snap off plastic locating pegs

Haynes: Using a suitable drift
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother.
Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book - except the one thing that you need to do
Gareth

1977 CB400F
1965 T100SS

Offline Johnwebley

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Re: Haynes manuals
« Reply #1 on: March 28, 2020, 10:40:13 AM »
Now I know what I do wrong.

I actually believe what they wrote.


Must get molegrips and a big hammer.

Or even a brumigium screwdriver

Sent from my SM-A750FN using Tapatalk

lifelong motorcycle rider,and fan

Offline MrDavo

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Re: Haynes manuals
« Reply #2 on: March 28, 2020, 10:58:05 AM »
Somewhere I have a Haynes Triumph T140 manual which looks as if it has been repeatedly stabbed by a maniac.

Which is because it has. When I lived in Salford there was no garage, the bike was my only transport and work on it had to be done outside under a street lamp, in all weathers. When the rear wheel bearings packed up I took the wheel off and brought it inside to undo the bearing retainers, it was a hammer and punch job. Unfortunately the retaining ring would not budge at all, and I started to wonder whether I was trying to tighten or loosen it.

Helpfully the Haynes manual told me it was a left hand thread, except for in ‘some models’ where it was a right hand thread. Stab, stab, stab.

Later I found a mistake in the gearbox section - if you timed the selector like in the photo when you put the gearbox cover on, you got two and a half gears! How we laughed.  >:(

1969 Honda CL450 'Scrambler'
1974 Kawasaki Z1A
2005 Harley XL1200R Sportster
1985 Porsche 911 3.2 Carrera Sport
1978 VW Bay Window camper van

Offline Bryanj

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Re: Haynes manuals
« Reply #3 on: March 28, 2020, 11:06:47 AM »
Even better on the T140 it tells you to fit the high gear before the camplate-----try it and see

 

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