A little light humour

[RupertB]

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied,

"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked,

"Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied,

"That would be my wife."

[SteveD CB500K0]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down in an underground train next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned, " Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."



All you Need to Know about Government Bureaucracy:-

* * Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.

* * Lord's Prayer:. 66 words.

* * Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.

* * 10 Commandments: 179 words.

* * Gettysburg address: . 286 words.

* * US Declaration of Independence : . 1,300 words.

* * US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: 7,818 words.

* * EU regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.

[SteveD CB500K0]

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'woopsie', and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Blushing and uncomfortable but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'What is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

[RupertB]

A couple was golfing on an exclusive course surrounded by million dollar homes. As they prepared to tee off, the husband warned the wife to try to stay away from the houses.
"We couldn't afford to replace any of those huge windows," he said.
Sure enough, the wife shanks one right into a window. The couple walk over, knock on the door, and hear someone say "Come on in".
They enter and see broken glass on the carpet, and the golf ball next to a broken antique bottle. A man sitting on the couch asks, "Is this your golf ball?"
"Yeah, we're really sorry." said the husband.
"Actually, I want to thank you," said the man. "You see, I'm a genie and have been trapped in that bottle for over 1,000 years. I can grant three wishes when I've been released, but since you did it accidentally, I'll give you each one wish and keep the final one for myself. What do you wish for?"
The husband wished for a million dollars a year for the rest of his life.
"Done!" replied the genie.
The wife then wished for a new house in every country of the world.
"Done!" said the genie. "Now for my wish. I've been trapped alone for over 1,000 years. I wish to have sex with your wife."
The husband thinks for a moment, then tells the wife, "Well, he's given us what we want, so I guess that I don't mind."
So the wife and the genie head upstairs to a bedroom. After two hours of ravishing the woman, the genie rolls over and looks at the wife.
"By the way," he asks, "how old is your husband?"
"Thirty-five" she replies.
"Wow!" he says. "35 years old and he still believes in genies ... amazing, isn't it?"

[RupertB]

Why motorcycles are better than women.....

When you get one it doesn't come with a mother-in-law
When you finish with a motorcycle, it's still worth something
They don't whine about you going out again
You never have to wait for them to get ready
They don't care if you forget your anniversary of your first ride
Good motorcycles are available everywhere

BUT!!! -

Why motorcycles are better than men.....
Your bike doesn't have a spare tyre
They don't ask you do something perverted just because you're wearing leather
They have a kill switch
When they spring a leak, it only splashes on the road
They don't get you pregnant
They don't ask you to make dinner