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Topics - hairygit

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Humour / Toilet rolls anyone?
« on: October 12, 2020, 07:52:03 PM »

To try and get shoppers to return, a local supermarket has introduced a number of new initiatives to make the customers' shopping experience more enjoyable, despite having to wear a face-mask.

On entering, the smell of freshly-baked bread awakens your senses as soon as you step into the store and when you reach the milk aisle, you hear the sound of cows mooing gently in the background, along with the scent of freshly-mowed grass.

When you reach the fruit and vegetable rows, the smell of freshly-squeezed orange juice is followed by a cooling mist, giving the impression that the produce has been freshly picked.

In the meat section, there is the aroma of charcoal-grilled steak, along with fried onions; and when you reach the egg shelves, you hear chickens clucking and cackling, like they are having a party.

However, I've decided to get my toilet rolls elsewhere!!!

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Humour / Are you sure Boris?
« on: July 11, 2020, 03:39:45 PM »
Is this what Boris means????

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Humour / Social distancing
« on: March 29, 2020, 09:30:40 PM »
Well, this would certainly keep people well away from you in the street or supermarket!

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Humour / How many wives/girlfriends understand REAL bikers?
« on: February 20, 2020, 05:50:20 PM »
Would any woman really understand?

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Humour / Brembo the best? Nah
« on: February 13, 2020, 10:31:28 AM »
Far better and more useful than those shitaly Brembos.

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Humour / Funny taste?
« on: February 13, 2020, 10:29:28 AM »
In bad taste as usual

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Humour / Out Walking
« on: December 09, 2019, 01:39:24 PM »
Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John are walking over a bridge.
Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.
With a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-string and bonks her senseless.
He stands back and tells Elton "Your turn."
Elton bursts into tears.
"What's up?" asks Robbie.
Elton sobs "My head won't fit through the railings!"

Humour / The Assassination attempt.
« on: September 17, 2019, 11:22:13 AM »
The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun. A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!"
This startles the would be assassin so much that he hesitates and as a result is captured.
Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"
Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout......

"Donald, duck!"

Humour / Forgotten Glasses
« on: September 13, 2019, 06:00:28 PM »
While on a road trip, an elderly couple, Jack and Debbie, stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance on the motorway before they could find a place to turn round to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her .......

“While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card”.

Humour / Hiccups
« on: September 13, 2019, 05:56:54 PM »
A woman went to A&E, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes being examined, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
"What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said.....

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

Humour / Talking Clock
« on: September 13, 2019, 04:32:50 PM »
After years of crashing on other people’s couches a guy gets his own flat.  After a week he invites his friends for a little housewarming party with a few liquid refreshments.
Later that night, all are already pretty drunk, when the host decides to give the rest a tour of the house.
There’s not too much furniture, just a load of empty bottles. Then they reach the bedroom, which contains an old mattress but also a beautiful Indonesian gong, quite in contrast with the rest of the interior.
Surprised, one of the guy’s friends asks: “What is that?”
“Well, it came with the house”, he says. “But I figured out that this is a talking clock.”
His mate looks surprised and asks how this ‘clock’ works. The guy then picks up a hammer and gives the gong an ear-shattering pound. “BOOOOOOOOOONNNNNGGGGGG.”
His friends look at each other, agreeing in silence that this guy has officially lost his mind.
But then they hear an angry voice on the other side of the wall scream: “What on earth are you doing you idiot ?! ...........

"It’s 3 am in the morning, for goodness sake!”

Humour / HIC!
« on: September 13, 2019, 04:27:13 PM »
A police officer is watching a bar that is known for causing a lot of driving after having a little too much to drink.
At closing time he sees a guy fall off his bar stool, stumble towards the door, trip a few more times outside and try his keys in five different cars before he finds his own. Once inside it takes him forever to get the keys in again.
Most of the other guests of the bar are now leaving, but the cop knows that the breath test with this guy will be a certain positive, and get him some kudos back at the station, so he waits for his prey.
Finally the guy starts his engine and drives away. Immediately the policeman pulls him over and starts reading him his rights while he gets the man to do a  breathalyser test.
The result of this however is a highly disappointing zero. The policeman thinks the machine may be broken and gets him to take another one; same result.
Now he gets annoyed and shouts: “What on earth are you, some freak of nature?”
The driver replies ..........

“Nope, tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

Humour / SPEEDING!
« on: September 13, 2019, 04:19:18 PM »
A couple were driving along the M62. While the woman was behind the wheel, they were pulled over by the motorway police.
“Madam, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said. The woman, somewhat hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled. The policeman then asked, “May I see your licence?”
The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?” The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your licence!”
The woman then gave the officer her licence. “I see you are from Inmarsh,” the patrolman said.
“I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?” The old man replied ..........

“He said he knows you!"

Interchangeability / U.K. spec 750K0/K1 rear light.
« on: September 22, 2018, 05:27:57 PM »
For those lucky enough to have a U.K. spec 750 K0 or K1, there is a place in Vietnam that has tail lights for them (actually listed as C50 part) but you will see that it is the same as the early 750's. He also sells just the lense for it. Postage is a killer as always, but the parts are cheap, and even has "Stanley  Made in Japan" on the lens. Fleabay item number 251202745336  He's a good reliable seller, I've used him many times, last time it took 6 days from ordering to arriving on my doorstep.

Humour / Northeners!
« on: September 19, 2018, 04:52:07 PM »

A Mancunian and a Scouser walk into a bakery.
 The Scouser steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Mancunian , "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."
 The Mancunian replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results." The Mancunian then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
 The Mancunian asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?"
 The Mancunian then said, "Look in the Scousers pockets.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

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