Well, The "Pontyates Probiscus's" roving reporter Taffy Mab Scrote, and his trusty photographer the lovely and yet elusive Pollyana Period- Pantz, were out and about in the village today, on the scene of a very scary early morning Zombie attack at the site of a normally quiet graveyard.
The "Pontyates Probiscus " is (for those unfamilier with the Welsh) the "eyes and ears " of the village community.
Arriving on the scene of a partially successfull zombie repulsion, it was soon ascertained that an extremely brave motorist had used her familly's inadequate vauxhall as a battering ram against a "horde" of zombies that were attempting to climb out of the graveyard over the retaining wall.
Eye witness "Dai ab pugh ap price mab Jones" (by way of stepsister) confirmed " I had a urinary tract infection and definately not prostate trouble so I couldn't sleep you see?" (normal welsh dielect requires a question at the end of each statement that is both aquisitory and yet has no answer.)
He went on to explain; " so I was walking the old boy,( much to my relief he pointed to his dog) wasn't it? and I seen em, coming over the wall from where the dead people normally are sleeping quiet isn't it?
Right queer do too, and proper scary to be had, I be telling you. Fair play to the Lady driver, she managed to squash a few onto the wall there isn't it? But the rest went off down the hill."
Asked about the whereabouts of the squashed zombies, Dai ab pugh ap price mab jones pulled me to one side and whispered " the old bill wasn't it, they had on those rubber gloves, frightened of the infection you see? Took all the evidence in special plastic bags isn't it?"
Whilst Pollyana took photos of the "ground zero" scene, your intrepid roving reporter broke the terms of a current court injunction; and emailed Milla Jovovich to inform her that in all probability the Umbrella corporation had miss-appropriated the T virus into Plaid cymru's hands and as a consequence it was now mutating in Pontyates, believing that the inclusion of Pollyanas photographic evidence in the email, would indeed secure Milla's vital help before the infection got out of hand.
Furthermore, I informed her, "It's urgent too" as yours truly had noticed, that if you "click" to make the photo of the graveyard big , you will clearly see The Immortal name "Aviation flyer"
This (I emphasise most strongly) is NOT a stonemasons mistake; it is the name of a man from Victorian times, who had the most scientifically baffling ability to actually fly small distances usually accomplished after Chapel on a Sunday morning, allthough not exlusively, there being recorded an incident of minor levitation after a quarrell concerning a halibut. Gossip and rumour of the day that "Aviation flyer" was just practising a cleverly adapted Victorian "leaping" technique have been dissmissed as "pure jealousy"
"The greatest fear," I stated in the email to Milla, "is that should "Aviation flyer" be amongst the escapee zombies, the infection will become Airborne"
Local arable Farmer and chicken inseminator Gwillum "I beat cancer so far" Price Ab Morgan, went further than most in his unsolicitated statement to the Pontyates Probiscus by shouting "I'm aving none of that, I aint, isnt it? and emphasised his view point by brandishing his antique, trusty "Hippy shooting" gun, hurredly retrived from the back of his untaxed 4X4. pointing it in the general (but not exclusive) direction of the graveyard, he yelled " call me old fashioned , or even a Welsh nationalist if you likes, but I believe the dead should stay dead, regardless of all the modern ways of thinking and fancy trendy things like mobile phones, toasters, and roller skates."
Realising that outside the confines of the village , the whole country was busy being charged £416.32 per person for the cost of a wedding that they were not even invited to, it occurred to the staff at the Pontyates Probiscus that a larger and wider outbreak of the "infection" could have consequences for the Royal occasion.
Should the infection reach Windsor before Friday, and should the Queen Mother become undead, (again) she could (possibly) naturally gravitate to westminster Abbey, Moreover, Should Princess Diana also become undead, then it is also conceivable that she too would heave herself there albeit in a slow yet methodical way.
It is a well documented fact that zombies are drawn to crowds of people, and it is advised that all royal spectators on Friday keep a sharp look out for Zombies instead of mindlessly waving at rich folk.
If the Queen Mother and Diana evade the security perimeter around the Abbey , and infect the revellers , it will still be possible to pick out the blushing bride, as she will be the zombie in the Primark dress with the label removed.
At the time of going to press, it is calculated that the number of "infected" within the village of pontyates ( not including John "the alky" who just walks like a Zombie as is his way) could be as high as 16.
The lady car driver (who can not be named for ongoing inquiries with the pubs landlord) escaped with slight injuries to her daughter and Ipod , the bite marks came from her uncles dog that sometimes "nips when excited but is only playing and doesn't mean any harm."
The vauxhall car that was being driven was declared a "totall loss" by the farmers union insurance group, as well as Jeremy Clarkson when Top gear road tested the same model in 1978.
It is duly noted that it is certainly cheaper to not go to the wedding than to go to it.
In a secretly leaked document to the Pontyates Probiscus , we can now show how much pressies that are on "Prinnys List" will cost. Pressies that are not on "Prinnys List" no matter how well coloured in they are or even how carefully wrapped will not be tolerated.
Prinnys List;
A big sailing yachty thing like Paters but better; £10,000,000,000.
A man to make my pants be on me in the morning; £72,000 per annum.
An Antique Persian rug for "rug slidey" parties at our new home;£67,000.
Our new home ; £800,000,000 per annum.
Helicopter, whirley -whurly £ TBA.
A man to make my pants be orf me at night:£74,000 per annum.
Dancing bear, £ 34,000 per annum.
An Elton John in a box £?
Lords and Ladies "a leaping" (well you may get that free, but techniqually it is "flying")
