Updated History the Death of Nelson

[Moorey]

 Politically Correct Nelson at Trafalgar


 Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."


 Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."


 Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"


 Hardy: "Sorry sir?"


 Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty,
 regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
 disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"


 Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the

 devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."


 Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."


 Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."


 Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."


 Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."


 Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ........... full speed ahead."


 Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."


 Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.
 We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

 Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."


 Nelson: "What?"


 Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and
 they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let
 anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."


 Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."


 Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."


 Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."


 Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."


 Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to
 hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."


 Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."



 Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."


 Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the
 crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone
 breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"


 Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."


 Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."


 Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"


 Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
 with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of
 legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."


 Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"


 Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."


 Nelson: "We're not?"


 Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.
 According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
 stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."


 Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."


 Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."


 Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."


 Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now
 put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"


 Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"


 Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."


 Nelson: "What about sodomy?"


 Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

 Nelson: "In that case. . . . . . Kiss me !

[philward]

The old ones are the best!

[hairygit]

[MCTID]

Update: The Royal Navy has managed to significantly reduce injuries to personnel and damage to/or loss of it's Warships. It has managed to achieve this enviable position by drastically reducing the number of Warships actually out at sea, and therefore the number of Naval personnel it employs, which currently totals 29,280.

It is envisaged that over the next few years, further massive reductions in injuries, damage or loss will continue to fall until such time that not one Sailor or one Vessel suffers any injury or damage during the course of the MOD Financial Year (version 8.6.2c). This initiative is known as the RN's 'Zero Damage Programme' (version 9.3.1a), which at it's conclusion, will ensure that the Royal Navy has no Warships and more importantly, no serving personnel, therefore fully achieving the stringent objective of it's 'Zero Damage Programme'.

It has also been reported that the Russian Navy is watching this initiative closely, although President Putin has publicly declared that he has no intention of reducing the overall numbers
of Russian Navy personnel from it's present figure of 150,000. The fact that the Royal Navy has adopted this ground breaking (wave breaking) initiative further strengthens Russias decision not to downsize it's Naval strength as it is envisaged that Russian Warships and Naval personnel will benefit from similar reductions in injury and damage because they will not have to fight the Royal Navy at any time in the future.

[Rob62]

Hehe i believe the european union numpties have a similar plan for reducing the victims of road traffic accidents, including motorcyclists....

Fortunately we are set to leave...... or are we 

[hairygit]

Hehe i believe the european union numpties have a similar plan for reducing the victims of road traffic accidents, including motorcyclists....

Fortunately we are set to leave...... or are we 

We damn well better, otherwise the government would never be forgiven or trusted about anything. I can't recall who, but a group of m.e.p.s (deliberate use of non capital letters) stated that they would like motorcycles completely barred from the roads, and would campaign to do so!

[Moorey]

The old ones are the best!

A bit like bikes then.